10 Steps to Navigating a Renovation With Your Partner
Find out the 10 steps that couples can do to reduce conflict during a building project – and live to tell the tale
Laura Gaskill
30 March 2019
Houzz Contributor. I cover decorating ideas, Houzz tours & the monthly home maintenance checklist. My favorite pieces to write center around the emotional aspects of home and savoring life's simple pleasures. Decluttering course + discount for Houzzers: https://www.lauragaskill.com/welcome-houzzers
Houzz Contributor. I cover decorating ideas, Houzz tours & the monthly home maintenance... More
Renovating is challenging under the best of circumstances, but what should you do when you and your partner seem to disagree every step of the way? If planning your building project has hit a rocky patch, consider this your intervention. Here are 10 steps that help couples negotiate renovating decisions with minimum stress.
1. Look at the big picture first
It’s important to start from a positive, ‘we’re-in-this-together place’; and a good way to do that is by sitting down to share your grandest goals. Think of this as several levels up from talking about paint colours and decor styles – this is the foundation of your project, and something you can return to when you disagree. Here are a few questions to spark conversation:
Survival Guide: 6 Expert Tips for Getting Through a Reno
It’s important to start from a positive, ‘we’re-in-this-together place’; and a good way to do that is by sitting down to share your grandest goals. Think of this as several levels up from talking about paint colours and decor styles – this is the foundation of your project, and something you can return to when you disagree. Here are a few questions to spark conversation:
- How do you want our new space to make you feel when spending time there?
- What activities do you envision happening there?
- How do you see us using this space now? What about in five years’ time?
Survival Guide: 6 Expert Tips for Getting Through a Reno
2. Name your top priorities
When you get into the messy middle of your project, it’s easy to start viewing every decision as carrying equal importance, from the number of square metres to the finish on the floors. But giving everything equal weight is a recipe for conflict.
A good way to begin with an open mind is to create your own personal list of top priorities. Each person’s list should contain no more than three to five priorities, with just one item starred as the number-one priority. This allows you to take a bigger-picture view of the project, recognising that, although certain things are very important to you, there are plenty of other areas where you might find more wiggle room.
When you get into the messy middle of your project, it’s easy to start viewing every decision as carrying equal importance, from the number of square metres to the finish on the floors. But giving everything equal weight is a recipe for conflict.
A good way to begin with an open mind is to create your own personal list of top priorities. Each person’s list should contain no more than three to five priorities, with just one item starred as the number-one priority. This allows you to take a bigger-picture view of the project, recognising that, although certain things are very important to you, there are plenty of other areas where you might find more wiggle room.
3. Do a list swap
Once you have your lists of top priorities, begin fleshing them out with more ideas and wishes for your project. With these longer lists in hand, try a list swap. This exercise, developed by couples therapist and clinical sexologist Dawn Michael and shared in a previous Houzz story, can help partners find more places to compromise and agree.
Michael, who used to teach couples’ classes on how to navigate a renovation project, suggests that significant others exchange priorities lists. Then, each person circles the items that are similar, ticks items they can compromise on and crosses out ideas they completely disagree on.
When you’re done, have a conversation with an attitude of curiosity – really seek to understand why your partner prioritises certain items. Learning more about the ‘why’ behind our preferences can help build empathy and ultimately lead to a more rewarding and successful renovating experience.
Browse more marvellous images of contemporary kitchens
Once you have your lists of top priorities, begin fleshing them out with more ideas and wishes for your project. With these longer lists in hand, try a list swap. This exercise, developed by couples therapist and clinical sexologist Dawn Michael and shared in a previous Houzz story, can help partners find more places to compromise and agree.
Michael, who used to teach couples’ classes on how to navigate a renovation project, suggests that significant others exchange priorities lists. Then, each person circles the items that are similar, ticks items they can compromise on and crosses out ideas they completely disagree on.
When you’re done, have a conversation with an attitude of curiosity – really seek to understand why your partner prioritises certain items. Learning more about the ‘why’ behind our preferences can help build empathy and ultimately lead to a more rewarding and successful renovating experience.
Browse more marvellous images of contemporary kitchens
4. Get on the same page about budget
Arguments around money are some of the most common sources of conflict in relationships – which makes it all the more important to get on the same page about your renovation budget early on. Get all the facts, research financing options and aim to have an honest and thoughtful conversation about what you feel is appropriate to spend on this project. It’s better to get to the bottom of conflicts that crop up around the budget before you are in too deep in the project, so don’t shy away from this topic or put off the conversation.
Serial Renovators on How to Set Up and Stick To a Budget
Arguments around money are some of the most common sources of conflict in relationships – which makes it all the more important to get on the same page about your renovation budget early on. Get all the facts, research financing options and aim to have an honest and thoughtful conversation about what you feel is appropriate to spend on this project. It’s better to get to the bottom of conflicts that crop up around the budget before you are in too deep in the project, so don’t shy away from this topic or put off the conversation.
Serial Renovators on How to Set Up and Stick To a Budget
5. Embrace partial solutions…
Instead of going into your renovation thinking that each of you is going to get exactly what you want 100 percent of the time, it’s important to understand that there are instances when it makes more sense to come to a compromise.
Decisions that equally affect both parties – the exterior colour of your home, for example – are good places to practice the fine art of the partial solution. It may not be perfectly aligned with what either of you had on your wish list, but with a bit of creativity (and perhaps the help of a good architect or interior design professional), you can aim to find a choice that has something to offer both of you.
Instead of going into your renovation thinking that each of you is going to get exactly what you want 100 percent of the time, it’s important to understand that there are instances when it makes more sense to come to a compromise.
Decisions that equally affect both parties – the exterior colour of your home, for example – are good places to practice the fine art of the partial solution. It may not be perfectly aligned with what either of you had on your wish list, but with a bit of creativity (and perhaps the help of a good architect or interior design professional), you can aim to find a choice that has something to offer both of you.
6. …But don’t compromise on everything
If some compromise is good, isn’t compromising on everything even better? Not so fast. While some compromise is essential if you’re going to maintain a healthy relationship while renovating, when both parties feel they have compromised on everything, no one gets what they really want.
To avoid that, circle back to those lists of priorities in step two. Can each of you find at least one (preferably more!) item on the other’s top-priority list that you’re willing to ‘give’ to your partner?
When the project is finished, it’s fantastic if both people have something they really love and can point to a few places of compromise.
How to Cohabit When Your Styles Totally Clash
If some compromise is good, isn’t compromising on everything even better? Not so fast. While some compromise is essential if you’re going to maintain a healthy relationship while renovating, when both parties feel they have compromised on everything, no one gets what they really want.
To avoid that, circle back to those lists of priorities in step two. Can each of you find at least one (preferably more!) item on the other’s top-priority list that you’re willing to ‘give’ to your partner?
When the project is finished, it’s fantastic if both people have something they really love and can point to a few places of compromise.
How to Cohabit When Your Styles Totally Clash
7. Discuss the timeline and life during your renovations
As you get a few steps closer to getting your project rolling, it’s a good idea to talk about how long building works will realistically take and what you’ll be doing while the work is happening. Look ahead on the family calendar and notice if there are any major events on the horizon that would make it especially stressful to be tackling a renovation.
Also discuss how you want to handle living arrangements while works are underway. Do you want to stay in your home to save money, move into a temporary rental, travel, or do some combination? If you have pets or children, don’t forget to consider their needs in your planning.
As you get a few steps closer to getting your project rolling, it’s a good idea to talk about how long building works will realistically take and what you’ll be doing while the work is happening. Look ahead on the family calendar and notice if there are any major events on the horizon that would make it especially stressful to be tackling a renovation.
Also discuss how you want to handle living arrangements while works are underway. Do you want to stay in your home to save money, move into a temporary rental, travel, or do some combination? If you have pets or children, don’t forget to consider their needs in your planning.
8. Consider what you want from a professional
Design sensibility, good references and reviews, personality, ability to stay on schedule and under budget – when it comes to choosing a renovation professional, there’s a lot to consider. Talk about what’s important to each of you in a professional. As in your discussion about priorities, try to come at this conversation with an attitude of curiosity: find out why certain factors are more (or less) important to your partner, and share the reasons behind your own pro wish list as well.
Renovation Insight: How Do I Choose a Builder?
Design sensibility, good references and reviews, personality, ability to stay on schedule and under budget – when it comes to choosing a renovation professional, there’s a lot to consider. Talk about what’s important to each of you in a professional. As in your discussion about priorities, try to come at this conversation with an attitude of curiosity: find out why certain factors are more (or less) important to your partner, and share the reasons behind your own pro wish list as well.
Renovation Insight: How Do I Choose a Builder?
9. Start a renovation-relationship rewards program
There are likely thousands of decisions, both small and large, that you’ll have to make before your renovation is done, and it’s easy to let things go without celebrating your small wins along the way. To survive renovating as a couple and build positivity into the process, consider brainstorming a list of fun little treats you can enjoy together – think dates, day trips, good chocolate – and give yourselves little gifts as you hit mini-milestones.
There are likely thousands of decisions, both small and large, that you’ll have to make before your renovation is done, and it’s easy to let things go without celebrating your small wins along the way. To survive renovating as a couple and build positivity into the process, consider brainstorming a list of fun little treats you can enjoy together – think dates, day trips, good chocolate – and give yourselves little gifts as you hit mini-milestones.
10. Call in a professional
Good home design professionals can’t solve all your problems, but they can bring their expertise and creative problem-solving abilities to bear on your project, including the areas where you and your partner are having trouble reaching agreement.
Tell us
Have you and a partner lived through a renovation? Share what worked and what didn’t in the Comments below, like this story, share it with your other half and join the conversation.
More
Ready to take the renovating plunge? Find architects, builders, interior designers and specialised trades here, see their work, and read client reviews of their previous projects
Good home design professionals can’t solve all your problems, but they can bring their expertise and creative problem-solving abilities to bear on your project, including the areas where you and your partner are having trouble reaching agreement.
Tell us
Have you and a partner lived through a renovation? Share what worked and what didn’t in the Comments below, like this story, share it with your other half and join the conversation.
More
Ready to take the renovating plunge? Find architects, builders, interior designers and specialised trades here, see their work, and read client reviews of their previous projects
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Thank you for a very important article with excellent points. Sadly, this fear is one of the unnecessary concerns that keeps couples from pursuing designing a home that will truly enhance their lives. In my experience, the key is to not to just negotiate some wins and losses for each person or to force a life of continued compromise, but instead to discover what is truly behind each preference and figure out how to achieve the desired outcomes for both spouses creatively. Living in a home that sabotages your progress every day has a high, unmeasured cost. That drain is more expensive than most people are willing to acknowledge. The good news is that, with coaching, it is possible to uncover the core features that make a space truly supportive for each of you -- and both of you. You can create a home that truly enhances both your lives.
Hire a Designer to be the referee, marriage counselor, and parent!!