Forgetiquette: Are We Remembering Our Manners at Home?
The people we share our homes with deserve our best manners – but are they getting them?
Janet Dunn
29 November 2016
Houzz Australia Contributor. Former NZ House&Garden writer and stylist, and avid interior design enthusiast. Ex-restaurateur and caterer, with a Professional Certificate in Gastronomy, University of Adelaide.
Houzz Australia Contributor. Former NZ House&Garden writer and stylist, and avid... More
No story about etiquette should omit mention of the illustrious Emily Post, an American socialite and author of a groundbreaking compendium of modern manners in 1922. Eighteen editions and almost a century later, Emily Post’s Etiquette: Manners for a New World, by her great-great-grandchildren (including Houzz contributing writer Lizzie Post), gives a fresh perspective on 21st century behaviour. Post was never about stuffy, elitist conventions. She believed that “nothing is less important than which fork you use. Etiquette is the science of living … whenever two people come together and their behaviour affects each other, we have etiquette.” Or do we? See how to brush up our in-house manners with some polite pointers.
Do manners matter?
If etiquette is irrelevant in the 21st century, why are so many words being devoted to it? From Henry Alford’s Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That?, Amy Alkon’s Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F**k, to Lizzie Post’s Awesome Etiquette podcasts, advice on living politely floods our media space, a sure sign that we care.
Opportunities to display bad manners thrive outside the home, as we compete for our rights in a crowded, busy world. Interacting politely with strangers can be difficult, but good manners are also tested daily at home, where they matter most. Think of them not as an optional extra, but as the essential currency of a harmonious household.
If etiquette is irrelevant in the 21st century, why are so many words being devoted to it? From Henry Alford’s Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That?, Amy Alkon’s Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F**k, to Lizzie Post’s Awesome Etiquette podcasts, advice on living politely floods our media space, a sure sign that we care.
Opportunities to display bad manners thrive outside the home, as we compete for our rights in a crowded, busy world. Interacting politely with strangers can be difficult, but good manners are also tested daily at home, where they matter most. Think of them not as an optional extra, but as the essential currency of a harmonious household.
A little respect
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me,” sang Aretha Franklin. It’s one hard-working word and the key to durable relationships and polite, peaceful co-existence. In a nutshell, it’s putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and acting accordingly. It works on all levels, between household members of all ages, and sets up a chain reaction that can only have positive results. Even in the middle of disagreements and emotional clashes that occur in families, remember the R word.
Politeness policies for when family comes to stay
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me,” sang Aretha Franklin. It’s one hard-working word and the key to durable relationships and polite, peaceful co-existence. In a nutshell, it’s putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and acting accordingly. It works on all levels, between household members of all ages, and sets up a chain reaction that can only have positive results. Even in the middle of disagreements and emotional clashes that occur in families, remember the R word.
Politeness policies for when family comes to stay
In many cultures, respect for older family members, their wisdom, and life experience, is indelibly ingrained in cultural practice. Turning seventy in Korea is marked with a celebration, Koh Cui, meaning ‘old and rare’, to mark the achievement of old age. Even babies are taught to bow to their grandparents.
Contrast this to many Western countries where youth is venerated and the nuclear family is the norm. The relationship between grandparents and children can be a beautiful thing and starts with respect. Never turn a blind eye to rudeness to the elderly. Nurture respect by bringing the generations together in your home.
See 7 multi-generational households that work
Contrast this to many Western countries where youth is venerated and the nuclear family is the norm. The relationship between grandparents and children can be a beautiful thing and starts with respect. Never turn a blind eye to rudeness to the elderly. Nurture respect by bringing the generations together in your home.
See 7 multi-generational households that work
Naming rights
After a quick ask-around, I found that opinions are divided over the politeness or otherwise of children’s calling parents, grandparents, older live-in relatives, and visiting friends by first names. To some, it’s a disrespectful metaphorical slap in the face, to others quite acceptable. Avoid offence by finding out how the recipient would like to be addressed.
Maybe it’s ‘modern’, and in many schools teachers request their students to use first names. But remember that grandparents are of a different generation and would probably prefer Grandma, Grandpa, or an affectionate nickname.
After a quick ask-around, I found that opinions are divided over the politeness or otherwise of children’s calling parents, grandparents, older live-in relatives, and visiting friends by first names. To some, it’s a disrespectful metaphorical slap in the face, to others quite acceptable. Avoid offence by finding out how the recipient would like to be addressed.
Maybe it’s ‘modern’, and in many schools teachers request their students to use first names. But remember that grandparents are of a different generation and would probably prefer Grandma, Grandpa, or an affectionate nickname.
Fair share
A shared bedroom is a great training ground for learning consideration for others’ personal space and possessions. While it is a fantastic bonding experience for most kids, ‘he did/she did’ squabbles invariably break out, and mainly stem from disrespect in some form. If possible, designate a small area for each user and allocate periods when one of the sharers has exclusive use of the room. Read some good advice on calming conflict in a shared bedroom.
A shared bedroom is a great training ground for learning consideration for others’ personal space and possessions. While it is a fantastic bonding experience for most kids, ‘he did/she did’ squabbles invariably break out, and mainly stem from disrespect in some form. If possible, designate a small area for each user and allocate periods when one of the sharers has exclusive use of the room. Read some good advice on calming conflict in a shared bedroom.
Show or tell
In previous generations, good manners were drummed in by verbal repetition and punishment. The modern approach to parenting is learning through observation and imitation. From answering the phone politely to eating manners, kids love to copy what you do, even when you slip up. Instructions on manners will eventually fall on deaf ears if not backed up by example.
In previous generations, good manners were drummed in by verbal repetition and punishment. The modern approach to parenting is learning through observation and imitation. From answering the phone politely to eating manners, kids love to copy what you do, even when you slip up. Instructions on manners will eventually fall on deaf ears if not backed up by example.
Help your littlies to grow into polite adults by beginning early and keeping it simple and light-hearted with some whimsical educational reading. Blend it into story time – for starters, try Australian author Jackie French’s delightful Big Burps, Bare Bums and Other Bad-Mannered Blunders, Interrupting Chicken by David Ezra Stein, or Don’t Do That! by Tony Ross, an engaging deterrent to nose-picking.
For older kids, Teen Manners: From Malls to Meals to Messaging and Beyond from the Emily Post Institute stable, is a non-threatening read.
For older kids, Teen Manners: From Malls to Meals to Messaging and Beyond from the Emily Post Institute stable, is a non-threatening read.
Magic words
Not just for kids, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are indispensable to a well-mannered home. So are ‘can I help?’, ‘I’m sorry’, and ‘excuse me’. Make them part of your household vocabulary on a daily basis, if they’re not already. Using them yourself and insisting on them from others will make these simple but powerful social lubricants second-nature in no time.
Do you know how it feels to give a gift that is never acknowledged, or host a fabulous dinner with not a word of thanks afterwards? It takes just a minute for a gracious response and seals your reputation as a polite person.
Not just for kids, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are indispensable to a well-mannered home. So are ‘can I help?’, ‘I’m sorry’, and ‘excuse me’. Make them part of your household vocabulary on a daily basis, if they’re not already. Using them yourself and insisting on them from others will make these simple but powerful social lubricants second-nature in no time.
Do you know how it feels to give a gift that is never acknowledged, or host a fabulous dinner with not a word of thanks afterwards? It takes just a minute for a gracious response and seals your reputation as a polite person.
Privacy interruptus
Observing others’ privacy is another way of being courteous. It is as simple as knocking on a closed door before entering and not interrupting each other’s downtime with badly-timed questions or non-urgent requests. The man-cave, (or woman-cave) and bathroom doors with locks were invented, I’m sure, because everyone deserves some time to themselves.
Carve out a corner for ‘me time’.
Observing others’ privacy is another way of being courteous. It is as simple as knocking on a closed door before entering and not interrupting each other’s downtime with badly-timed questions or non-urgent requests. The man-cave, (or woman-cave) and bathroom doors with locks were invented, I’m sure, because everyone deserves some time to themselves.
Carve out a corner for ‘me time’.
Table tactics
Practising courtesy at the table will stand both adults and children in good stead for outside dining occasions. Rules like not eating with your mouth open, waiting patiently to be served, keeping elbows to yourself and politely asking for food to be passed should be reinforced as soon as kids are able to sit at a table. As should using utensils like a human and not a caveperson, and not talking loudly or eating with your fingers. These lessons should then be maintained into teenager-hood. Prior to that, you’ll just have to get used to the eating area looking like a crime scene.
Practising courtesy at the table will stand both adults and children in good stead for outside dining occasions. Rules like not eating with your mouth open, waiting patiently to be served, keeping elbows to yourself and politely asking for food to be passed should be reinforced as soon as kids are able to sit at a table. As should using utensils like a human and not a caveperson, and not talking loudly or eating with your fingers. These lessons should then be maintained into teenager-hood. Prior to that, you’ll just have to get used to the eating area looking like a crime scene.
Dinner dilemmas
We have high expectations for the behaviour of guests. But are there things we forget to do to make our dining companions at ease? Even in a casual setting, and especially with new vistors to your home, don’t just leave them to their own devices. Introduce them to others with a little conversation starter, thank them for a gift, point out the loo, and keep an eye on how they are getting on during the evening. Arranging seating so that more reticent guests are not left out in the cold conversation-wise is also an act of courtesy.
10 dinner party dos and don’ts for guests and hosts
We have high expectations for the behaviour of guests. But are there things we forget to do to make our dining companions at ease? Even in a casual setting, and especially with new vistors to your home, don’t just leave them to their own devices. Introduce them to others with a little conversation starter, thank them for a gift, point out the loo, and keep an eye on how they are getting on during the evening. Arranging seating so that more reticent guests are not left out in the cold conversation-wise is also an act of courtesy.
10 dinner party dos and don’ts for guests and hosts
Bathroom boo-boos
Shared bathrooms are the source of many break-ups. Leaving soggy towels puddled on the floor, grubby shower recesses and basins, weird smells and worse for the next user puts a strain on friendships and is downright rude. See some tips for being a well-mannered bathroom buddy.
Shared bathrooms are the source of many break-ups. Leaving soggy towels puddled on the floor, grubby shower recesses and basins, weird smells and worse for the next user puts a strain on friendships and is downright rude. See some tips for being a well-mannered bathroom buddy.
Neither a borrower…
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend.” This wisdom is plucked from Shakespeare’s Hamlet and covers everything from forgetting a few borrowed dollars, or helping yourself to a housemate’s favourite jumper without asking first. Unpaid debts, particularly, damage friendships so keep a record of borrowings and be scrupulous about paying them back promptly.
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend.” This wisdom is plucked from Shakespeare’s Hamlet and covers everything from forgetting a few borrowed dollars, or helping yourself to a housemate’s favourite jumper without asking first. Unpaid debts, particularly, damage friendships so keep a record of borrowings and be scrupulous about paying them back promptly.
Memory lapses
That sinking feeling when an important family date goes by uncelebrated is familiar to us all. It makes us feel guilty and the non-recipient, no matter how forgiving, will subconsciously give you a ‘C’ for consideration and courtesy. Remembering birthdays and other important dates deepens bonds and creates family memories. With electronic reminder systems available, like Facebook, Google Calendar and iCal apps to name a few, you’ll never have to send another ‘sorry I’m late’ card.
That sinking feeling when an important family date goes by uncelebrated is familiar to us all. It makes us feel guilty and the non-recipient, no matter how forgiving, will subconsciously give you a ‘C’ for consideration and courtesy. Remembering birthdays and other important dates deepens bonds and creates family memories. With electronic reminder systems available, like Facebook, Google Calendar and iCal apps to name a few, you’ll never have to send another ‘sorry I’m late’ card.
Small stuff
Kindness is a large part of at-home politeness, so don’t keep your best behaviour for the outside world. Use kind acts to show appreciation for someone’s help, or even just because you value them. The smallest gesture out of the blue, like making tea or breakfast in bed for a tired friend or family member, buying a little gift or cooking a meal, won’t go unnoticed, and you’ll most likely be on the receiving end in the future when it’s your turn.
Kindness is a large part of at-home politeness, so don’t keep your best behaviour for the outside world. Use kind acts to show appreciation for someone’s help, or even just because you value them. The smallest gesture out of the blue, like making tea or breakfast in bed for a tired friend or family member, buying a little gift or cooking a meal, won’t go unnoticed, and you’ll most likely be on the receiving end in the future when it’s your turn.
Netiquette
Emily Post didn’t have to contend with phones, tablets, internet, email, Facebook, Twitter and other weapons of manner destruction. A raft of bad behaviour has emerged around these communication tools, and unfettered use in the home can cause disharmony. The subject of netiquette could fill a book, and the internet (yes!) provides copious advice on polite social media habits. I’ll mention just two rules that hold sway in my home: never interrupt a face-to-face conversation with ‘I have to take this call,’ and phones are banned from the dinner table. You may have others.
How to keep kids’ online time under control
Emily Post didn’t have to contend with phones, tablets, internet, email, Facebook, Twitter and other weapons of manner destruction. A raft of bad behaviour has emerged around these communication tools, and unfettered use in the home can cause disharmony. The subject of netiquette could fill a book, and the internet (yes!) provides copious advice on polite social media habits. I’ll mention just two rules that hold sway in my home: never interrupt a face-to-face conversation with ‘I have to take this call,’ and phones are banned from the dinner table. You may have others.
How to keep kids’ online time under control
Much face-to-face conversation has been replaced by electronic social media. With a vast amount of communication conducted on our devices, have we forgotten how to talk to an actual person? I’ve heard of families that text each other from the next room!
Polite tactics such as attentive listening, asking questions and responding mindfully, not interrupting, shouting down or dominating a group conversation, enrich relationships in and out of the home. To encourage enjoyable and effective conversation, whether with family or flatmates, set aside tech-free talk time at least once a week.
TELL US
How do you encourage good manners in your home? Share with us in the Comments section.
MORE
Read more lifestyle stories
Polite tactics such as attentive listening, asking questions and responding mindfully, not interrupting, shouting down or dominating a group conversation, enrich relationships in and out of the home. To encourage enjoyable and effective conversation, whether with family or flatmates, set aside tech-free talk time at least once a week.
TELL US
How do you encourage good manners in your home? Share with us in the Comments section.
MORE
Read more lifestyle stories
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Yes in today's modern world it's all about balance-good communication and not assuming someone is ok with "it".
Like squeezing past someone from behind and simply saying excuse me!! It gives the recipient a chance to move or make room, rather than that creepy feeling of being born down on-which happened to me numerous times whilst pregnant!! Beware anyone that squashed my belly, they got a stern telling off!!
And loving gentle consistent discipline for children. Remember your raising an adult, to be successful in life you have to give them a good chance!!
After reading this well formed article I wish to portray our idea of manners by relating a small, off the cuff, riposte between my wife and I. I consider this to be the greatest compliment that I have ever received so I feel a little uneasy about putting it out there.
After doing some small task for my wife Linda said "Thank you kindly"
I retorted with "My name is not 'Kindly'!"
And she replied " It should be".
That is how manners work in our place, all the time. Thank you darling.