Kids' Bedrooms: To Share or Not to Share, That is the Question
Houzzers share their views on whether it's better for children to have their own bedroom or share with siblings
Julia Fairley
2 September 2018
Chief Sub-Editor and Writer, Houzz Australia and New Zealand. I love design and architecture that is thoughtful, sophisticated and champions an element of the unexpected. Before graduating with a Bachelor of Arts at UNSW and becoming a journalist, I studied interior architecture. For over a decade I have interviewed inspiring creative minds from around the world to write about design in its many different forms. Recently, I have also become an accidental gardener, to everyone's surprise.
Chief Sub-Editor and Writer, Houzz Australia and New Zealand. I love design and architecture... More
Like most parenting topics, the issue of whether children should share a bedroom or have their own is nothing less than divisive. Some parents think that children learn to compromise, share and develop stronger bonds when they sleep in the same room. Others believe little ones deserve their own space just as much as we do. Many parents group siblings of the same gender in the same room. And much of the time, the oldest is granted a coveted room of their own. Sometimes it doesn’t matter (the kids all end up piling into their parents’ bed anyway) or maybe there’s only one bedroom so no-one gets a choice. Blended families where children from different unions intermittently live under the one roof can call for flexible sleeping arrangements. And parents of one-child families enjoy the perks of dodging the question entirely.
What do experts say?
Our world is brimming with parenting experts, child psychologists, family therapists, paediatricians, sleep specialists and early learning theorists who all share one thing in common on the subject of whether or not children should share a room: they all disagree with at least one other ‘expert’s’ theory.
You’ll find a genuinely knowledgeable, reasonable and experienced expert to back up any argument on this topic. They might even give you some well-founded evidence. But different children, family units and homes call for different approaches; there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. So, in early 2018 we created an informal poll and asked our loyal Houzz community which they think is better – shared or separate children’s bedrooms. The results, of course, are illuminating.
Our world is brimming with parenting experts, child psychologists, family therapists, paediatricians, sleep specialists and early learning theorists who all share one thing in common on the subject of whether or not children should share a room: they all disagree with at least one other ‘expert’s’ theory.
You’ll find a genuinely knowledgeable, reasonable and experienced expert to back up any argument on this topic. They might even give you some well-founded evidence. But different children, family units and homes call for different approaches; there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. So, in early 2018 we created an informal poll and asked our loyal Houzz community which they think is better – shared or separate children’s bedrooms. The results, of course, are illuminating.
What do Houzzers say?
At the time of writing, more than 184 Houzzers voted in our poll (which is still open, so this number is ever-increasing). As expected, of the scores of parents who are glad that their children share a room, an almost equal number prefer separate bedrooms for their offspring, placing these two most popular options in a fight for first place. In third place, many Houzz users responded that they would love their children to have their own bedrooms but don’t have the space. A minority also explained that it simply doesn’t matter – the kids always seem to creep into their parents’ bed regardless.
Take Houzz’s poll and view the latest results
At the time of writing, more than 184 Houzzers voted in our poll (which is still open, so this number is ever-increasing). As expected, of the scores of parents who are glad that their children share a room, an almost equal number prefer separate bedrooms for their offspring, placing these two most popular options in a fight for first place. In third place, many Houzz users responded that they would love their children to have their own bedrooms but don’t have the space. A minority also explained that it simply doesn’t matter – the kids always seem to creep into their parents’ bed regardless.
Take Houzz’s poll and view the latest results
Ask young ‘uns what they like and you’ll receive similarly diverse opinions. Some siblings prefer to share (especially when they’re little) as it makes them feel more secure after dark. Others relish having their brother or sister close by, presumably because it’s easier to whack them when they’re only arms’ length away. Many kids enjoy having their own room (particularly after puberty) and take pride in personalising their separate space. And others like the luxury of being able to choose according to the agenda on any given night.
The case for separate bedrooms
“My sister and I shared a room until I was 16 and she was 17. We still detest each other 51 years later,” one Houzz user reveals. “If you have room you should give kids the privacy of their own rooms.”
Privacy is a topic that many experts agree upon, despite their differences, and it’s a reason that parents and offspring frequently cite when they opt for separate kids’ bedrooms. Child psychologist Susan Bartell believes every child should have their own privacy and advocates that siblings are given their own bedroom if possible. Bartell concedes that this isn’t always an option, however, and recommends that older children change in the bathroom for privacy and ask their siblings before they sit on each others’ beds to avoid invading others’ personal space.
“My sister and I shared a room until I was 16 and she was 17. We still detest each other 51 years later,” one Houzz user reveals. “If you have room you should give kids the privacy of their own rooms.”
Privacy is a topic that many experts agree upon, despite their differences, and it’s a reason that parents and offspring frequently cite when they opt for separate kids’ bedrooms. Child psychologist Susan Bartell believes every child should have their own privacy and advocates that siblings are given their own bedroom if possible. Bartell concedes that this isn’t always an option, however, and recommends that older children change in the bathroom for privacy and ask their siblings before they sit on each others’ beds to avoid invading others’ personal space.
If children who behave with this level of consideration sounds like a utopian fantasy, it can help to remember that the need to delineate ‘mine’ from ‘yours’ and mark out one’s territory is very real, even to children.
“I shared with my sister(s) until I was 15; but even when I had my own room, I often hung out and slept in my older sister’s room (which she mostly hated),” another Houzzer writes. “As a parent of five, I’m glad my children each have their own room – finally! Having their own space creates a real sense of responsibility and doesn’t allow for any blame shifting if the room is messy.”
Put it to Bed: Could You and Your Partner Sleep Separately?
“I shared with my sister(s) until I was 15; but even when I had my own room, I often hung out and slept in my older sister’s room (which she mostly hated),” another Houzzer writes. “As a parent of five, I’m glad my children each have their own room – finally! Having their own space creates a real sense of responsibility and doesn’t allow for any blame shifting if the room is messy.”
Put it to Bed: Could You and Your Partner Sleep Separately?
The case for shared bedrooms
Ask family therapist Emily Kircher-Morris about the advantages of shared children’s bedrooms and she’ll tell you that siblings often enjoy a stronger bond with each other and are more comfortable sharing their treasured possessions if they sleep in the same quarters. Add to this the fact that many children take comfort in sleeping in the same bedroom as their brother and sister and we have ourselves yet another compelling – if not opposing – argument.
Ask family therapist Emily Kircher-Morris about the advantages of shared children’s bedrooms and she’ll tell you that siblings often enjoy a stronger bond with each other and are more comfortable sharing their treasured possessions if they sleep in the same quarters. Add to this the fact that many children take comfort in sleeping in the same bedroom as their brother and sister and we have ourselves yet another compelling – if not opposing – argument.
“My boys have mostly had separate rooms, but they often chose to sleep in the same room,” writes one Houzz user. “My youngest would haul his mattress into his brother’s room and sleep there. He liked the proximity of another person. I think it made him feel secure. He certainly fell asleep more quickly. I think his older brother liked it too. They’d have long chats… That changed when my oldest turned 13. Now they both enjoy having their own space.”
Tip: Sliding partitions, room dividers or even a curtain can can give the feeling of distinctly separate spaces within a single bedroom.
Tip: Sliding partitions, room dividers or even a curtain can can give the feeling of distinctly separate spaces within a single bedroom.
How do kids’ ages affect sleeping arrangements?
Youngsters’ needs for privacy and boundaries usually grow as they do. Most experts agree that it’s ideal for offspring to have their own rooms by the time the heady hurricane of puberty strikes – if this is actually a possibility. “Older children need their space and privacy, especially for study,” one Houzz user explains. “Children after puberty can get extremely sensitive about their bodies and need privacy more than ever in this adjustment period.”
Youngsters’ needs for privacy and boundaries usually grow as they do. Most experts agree that it’s ideal for offspring to have their own rooms by the time the heady hurricane of puberty strikes – if this is actually a possibility. “Older children need their space and privacy, especially for study,” one Houzz user explains. “Children after puberty can get extremely sensitive about their bodies and need privacy more than ever in this adjustment period.”
Are gender differences a consideration?
Bartell advocates that, when possible, siblings of the opposite gender do not share a bedroom after the ripe old age of six. While many theories put this age recommendation several years older at the start of puberty, kids’ gender has historically played a leading role in how bedrooms are divvied up; and it still does. Many Houzzers responded to our poll and explained that their children’s bedrooms are divided along the gender lines in their home.
Tip: This home in San Francisco, USA playfully connects the children’s rooms using a saloon-style door. This is a handy in-between option for families who want their children to have separate bedrooms that are still somehow connected.
Bartell advocates that, when possible, siblings of the opposite gender do not share a bedroom after the ripe old age of six. While many theories put this age recommendation several years older at the start of puberty, kids’ gender has historically played a leading role in how bedrooms are divvied up; and it still does. Many Houzzers responded to our poll and explained that their children’s bedrooms are divided along the gender lines in their home.
Tip: This home in San Francisco, USA playfully connects the children’s rooms using a saloon-style door. This is a handy in-between option for families who want their children to have separate bedrooms that are still somehow connected.
What part do personalities play?
Just like adults, children’s individual personalities and relationships with each other often prove to be the wild cards that trump most other factors. Some children share a bedroom harmoniously from birth until they move out of home… then go flatting together. Other families are not so lucky and have children who draw swords whenever they’re in close proximity… but often get along famously when they have their own space.
Just like adults, children’s individual personalities and relationships with each other often prove to be the wild cards that trump most other factors. Some children share a bedroom harmoniously from birth until they move out of home… then go flatting together. Other families are not so lucky and have children who draw swords whenever they’re in close proximity… but often get along famously when they have their own space.
“My son’s room was perfect, his toys perfectly packed away in their original boxes/containers, neat as pins in the storage area,” writes one Houzz user who experienced first-hand how some siblings’ personalities are not compatible in the same bedroom.
“His bed toys had to be just so and no-one could move anything without him noticing and reading the riot act. My daughter, what can I say other than her bubbly personality almost made up for the absolute disaster area that her room always was. My son would have had a breakdown had he shared with her. Dividing up or sharing space is a very individual affair based on personalities.”
“His bed toys had to be just so and no-one could move anything without him noticing and reading the riot act. My daughter, what can I say other than her bubbly personality almost made up for the absolute disaster area that her room always was. My son would have had a breakdown had he shared with her. Dividing up or sharing space is a very individual affair based on personalities.”
Do cultures and societies affect decisions?
In a word, absolutely. In many countries and cultures it’s the norm for multi-generational families to pile into the same bedroom or even the same bed. And in other corners of the globe you’ll find each child – and their parents – tucked up in separate quarters.
So what does this tell us? First, there is no ‘norm’ and secondly, the only sleeping arrangements that should matter for your own family are the ones that work for you. If everyone under your roof is regularly getting their allotted hours of sleep, if each member’s privacy is respected and if you collectively feel that you have your own space but are not segregated from the comfort of other family members, then it sounds like you’ve hit the jackpot regardless of what your sleeping arrangements are.
In a word, absolutely. In many countries and cultures it’s the norm for multi-generational families to pile into the same bedroom or even the same bed. And in other corners of the globe you’ll find each child – and their parents – tucked up in separate quarters.
So what does this tell us? First, there is no ‘norm’ and secondly, the only sleeping arrangements that should matter for your own family are the ones that work for you. If everyone under your roof is regularly getting their allotted hours of sleep, if each member’s privacy is respected and if you collectively feel that you have your own space but are not segregated from the comfort of other family members, then it sounds like you’ve hit the jackpot regardless of what your sleeping arrangements are.
“Some people try to keep up with others who have completely different financial or living situations,” one Houzzer astutely points out, signalling the pressure in some circles to keep up with the Joneses.
“As kids we always shared a room, there was no choice, there were four children in a three-bedroom house. If you cannot afford to buy a home with more bedrooms or just love the home you have, why sacrifice your happiness or live on a budget you can not afford just to provide children with separate rooms? Children will be happy and will adjust to anything. It is all about being in a stable and happy home; that is more important than whether they have their own room.” And, as usual, our wise Houzz community has summed it up to perfection.
Tell us
We’d love to hear what works for you and your family so share your thoughts in the comments below, take Houzz’s poll, like this story and save your favourite images.
More
Sleepover Saviours: How to Survive a Night With Even More Children
“As kids we always shared a room, there was no choice, there were four children in a three-bedroom house. If you cannot afford to buy a home with more bedrooms or just love the home you have, why sacrifice your happiness or live on a budget you can not afford just to provide children with separate rooms? Children will be happy and will adjust to anything. It is all about being in a stable and happy home; that is more important than whether they have their own room.” And, as usual, our wise Houzz community has summed it up to perfection.
Tell us
We’d love to hear what works for you and your family so share your thoughts in the comments below, take Houzz’s poll, like this story and save your favourite images.
More
Sleepover Saviours: How to Survive a Night With Even More Children
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I am so glad my children have all been able to have their own rooms, I have three daughters, and rather than all being peas in a pod, they all have their own very distinct personalities and styles. My youngest went through an 'interior design' phase of displaying many dead sticks and branches in her room ! It has been great to watch them grow and develop in their ideas and I have tried to accommodate as much as I can as cheaply as I can along the way. Now I have one at University and one taking ATAR exams in year 12, and I can not imagine how life would be for either if they had to share. The one bedroom is particularly small for the amount of stuff an Art student has to cram in, but we have been creative with storage over the years and when it is tidy (!) it looks great.
My daughters share and the younger doesn't mind whilst the oldest as you would guess wants her own. My son has is own room but would prefer to share (likes the company). With two bedrooms between 3 they don't have a choice.
As a child and teen I shared with my brother and whilst we all want our privacy at times, I survived and so did he. Didn't harm us nor do I think it brought us closer. We are close anyway. As get got to our adult years, the house was replaced with a bigger one and we all had our own rooms.
Whilst I find having a small house annoying because everyone is in everyone's face all of the time, its also beneficial because we have to face each other and bond as best we can.
Caroline, you took the words out of my mouth. Well said.